I have something to post about. I always wanted to post about this, but I dont know how to say. And this matter always always always bugs meeee. And I dont know why I have this problem. Why is it me huh!
You know, everytime when someone is having alter call for us, I feel nervous. LIKE VERY VERY NERVOUS. As in like my whole body shivers and trembles. My hands, my legs, my mouth etc. Everywhere.
Okay, take today's cell as an example. Isaac sort of called for alter call during worship. When I was listening to him talking, I started shivering like asdfghjklzxcvbnmpoiuytrwqe. That time, I knew that my shivers would last very very long. I wanted badly to step forward and he would pray for me. I thought for quite long, and meanwhile I was still shivering. I don't know why.
But yup, I went forward.
And my shivers stop the moment I stepped forward! I thought it maybe was a step of faith? :D But after a few minutes, I start shivering again. And I could not even controll! My whole legs was trembling. I could not even stand still. So I had to sway left and right, but still, my whole body was trembling.
I don't know, but maybe RachelT saw me trembling. And she went forward to pray for me(Isaac was praying for Jayna that time). Yeah, so Rachel laid her hands on me, and miracously, I stopped shivering! Like really immediately stopped. But after a few seconds, I was back to trembling again.
Rachel's both hands was on my shoulder that time. I dont know if she felt me shivering, but the moment I shiver, she would clutch her hands tightly on my shoulders and continuing praying. Then after she finished praying, she left.
And yes, after she left, I CONTINUED TREMBLING AS NORMAL AGAIN.
Tremble.
Tremble.
Tremble.
That's all I could do. Then this time, I trembled like shit. Whole body was like shivering profusely. Like you're in a -100 degree room without any jacket. But the problem is, the reason I tremble is not because I feel cold. But its because...
I ALSO DONT KNOW. Maybe Satan is controlling my body? IDONTKNOW!
RachelT saw me trembling again. And she went up to me and asked if I was cold. I don't know how to answer her, so I just said that, yeah I was cold. So she took my jacket and cover me.
I thought maybe with the jacket, I would stop trembling. But NO. I did not. I continued shivering like mad. Then Jayna came beside me(That time Isaac finished praying for Jayna) and held me hand tightly. My shivers were reduced by abit. But after a while, it went back to normal and SHIVERED AGAIN.
I was like:
God, please give me the peace of mind. The peace of mind, peace of mind, peace of mind, peace of mind, peace of mind, peace of mind.
Shivers automatically stopped.
This time I was wondering if my shivers were actually the works of satan? To make me feel insecure, to make me feel that god isnt there with me.
Then Persis, Ameila and Isaac came to prayed for me and Jayna. While they were praying, I wanted to speak in tongues.
BUT I COULD NOT.
My mouth was trembling, yes. Those shivers were totally uncontrollable. I could not controll them at all, even though its my own body. The moment I opened my mouth, I tried very hard to speak in tonuges, but my mouth can only shiver. I started clutching Jayna's hand harder, to calm myself down. But the shivers continued. My legs were like........ er I dont know how to describe. Just very very shaky, cannot stay still a spot.
Then finally, when the alter call ended. All my shivers and trembles stopped. S-t-o-p-p-e-d. I dont know what the hell is wrong with my body. At least I know that those who prayed, were there for me.
I remembered one time, Joan said that when she shivers, she would kneel down to stop them. Yeah, I tried. But, I still continuing trembling, and it was worser. My thighs could even move by itself. I dont know how to explain, but no one is me, so they wont know how I am feeling or experiencing this problem.
You know, when I am performing or some other major things, I dont tremble at all. Only at alter call, I TREMBLE LIKE MAD. That's why sometimes I dare not go to alter call. I DONT HAVE THE COURAGE even how bad I want to.
Cos I know that the moment I go out there, I would tremble. Its not like any other normal shivers you know. Its the type that you cant even control. Dammit, how can I explain this. Everytime, I see other people going up for alter call, they dont tremble, but only me. WHY. I feel like so inferior? My legs shiver, and cant control like what I've said. THEY DONT SHIVER, BU I SHIVER.
I remembered the first time I shivered ever so badly was during the first Holy Spirit Day which I went for last year. I didnt receive the gift of tongues that time. Ernie was praying for me. That time I started shivering(not that I was cold), and Ernie kinda of felt it? He asked if I was feeling nervous or something? Yeah. But it wasnt that kind of 'nervous tremble', it was another kind of trembles(The same trembles I felt today during cell's alter call).
FINE. I SERIOUSLY DONT KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN.
This problem has followed me for about a year. And its always when alter call, I shiver. Tell me what to do. Those shivers are... are... uncontrollable.
Sorry for this ultra boring post. Was just ranting out my feelings. :/ |
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